How I Got Into This Mess Part 3

At 27 years old I made the hard decision to go back to school so that I could set my life right. I felt I had to make a change at that point in my life because I was struggling financially with jobs working in construction and in a retail establishment. Nothing about my life felt right - I was going nowhere and that didn't feel like me. I had a good mind that was going to waste and the degree I already had was not serving me.

At first I completed a second bachelors degree, this time in psychology. I did very well and finished in the spring of 1997.

It was at that time that I began acquiring the student loans that plague me today. As they started to grow I knew they were there but my mind was focused on my goal - to get my Ph.D. and to do something worthwhile with my life. I just had to stay focused I thought, and not let the worry about money get in the way. But it was always there - a nagging reminder.

So I stayed focused and marched on to graduate school. I was easily accepted into a graduate program at the University of Buffalo into one its psychology programs. All was well - or so I told myself.

In 2002 I was awarded my Master's Degree. It was a little late but that was because I was completing a lot of other coursework necessary for my Ph.D.

Soon after completing M.A. my financial situation started to hit critical however. Even though I had been working in various ways at this point - retail, teaching positions, graduate and teaching assistanships I still kept taking loans out - to pay for various expenses the jobs couldn't cover. It was at this point, about the time I turned 34 that I began to completely mismanage the loans and my financial future and things got crazy out of control.

Looking back I think I lost my focus for a number of reasons - none of which I offer as excuses. There was the pressure of finishing the degree, the knowledge that my loans were going to be coming due, the pending search for a job that was mostly likely going to be in academia which is highly competitve, and all the thoughts of how I was going to pay to do this job search. There was also a relationship with a woman I worked with that was starting, I lost a close friend in my graduate program over the aforementioned relationship, and then there was the subsequent breakup with the same girlfriend a while later. These weren't all my worries but some of the larger ones at the time.

All these pressures and worries put me to the test and all I can say was that when it came down to crunch time I folded and checked out for awhile. Don't get me wrong - I showed up for work and generally everything appeared fine from the outside but on the inside I was a wreck, very afraid and I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't feel I could ask for help or had anyone I could turn to. Because of the way my life had been up to that point I always felt like I should know and that if I didn't maybe I wasn't worthy.

It was when I got to the dissertation point in my program that I just stopped showing up altogether. I remember thinking that if I could just get through one more semester and I would be alright. All it really took was for my advising professor to tell me that he wasn't inclined to sign a document for my next semester of loans that I just couldn't deal with the mess that I made anymore. I couldn't afford it - I told myself - instead of seeking help - I pulled back in isolation with my shame. I walked away and was released from my program a year later by letter.

It sickens me to even think these words let alone write them but that is generally how it happened. That's how I ended up with $120, 000 in student loans without my Ph.D.

I offer this story not as an excuse but as an explanation for how I got into this mess.